The Romantic & the Platonic!

Being one who is never short of an opinion, here are my thoughts on Valentine’s Day vis-à-vis romantic Zambian men.

Zambian men are not romantic, so say many ladies. Others even say the Zambian male of today is not willing to fight for his woman. Any misunderstanding or argument in a relationship, the male is the first willing to let go and end the relationship. If you haven’t heard these sentiments then you are probably in the diaspora as this is a cry that you hear far too many times from the women folk in Zambia.

Romance is a word which could be understood to mean; conducive to or characterized by the expression of love or suggestive of an idealized view of reality. At least that is my conceptual understanding of the word. If what I saw around the shopping malls and central business district of Lusaka this week and especially today is anything to go by, then Zambian men are very romantic. By categorizing Zambian men as very romantic I am distancing myself from the masses that draw an abstract conclusion out of the lack of gentlemanly etiquette most Zambian males lack. Yes opening a door for a lady is gentlemanly and not romantic.

Today, 14^th February, I was one of the many male folks that made a last gasp shopping for red roses for delivery to our significant others as a sign of love in ‘commemoration’ of valentine’s day. Trust me there were many male folks today buying all sought of red regalia, buying gifts of chocolates, flowers, jewelry and other items for their loved ones. I even saw a Valentine’s Day notice in the newspaper.

Maybe the argument is that on any day other than 14^th February, Zambian men lack an ounce of romance. That too is not the correct picture. So many times a lot of Zambian males will be seen walking out of a gift shop with a bouquet of flowers, a box of chocolate or just taking his other half to the mall for a movie. These actions can all be categorized within the context of romantic as they are categorized by the expression of love.

Yet others categorize the expression of affection in public as romantic. A lot of people will say Zambians are not romantic because very little couples kiss in public. In other societies couples get cozy and openly express affection by kissing on public buses, trains, at the malls etc. I do not think showing affection in public is the same thing as being romantic. Likewise, a display of passion (sexual) should also not be confused to mean romantic.

Most men evince to the fact that going into a flower shop is not the easiest of things. It almost feels like a part of our masculine self has been taken away from us. It’s not easy walking out of that flower shop with flowers in hand and you get all these stares from everyone you bypass. When I was younger I’d describe the situation as ‘it ain’t gangster’. That aside, men know that flowers are important for our ladies hence we go and make those purchases then walk out of the flower shop with pride, feeling like every female we pass is envious of the recipient of the flowers we are carrying. Only love takes us to that flower shop. This action is characterized by the expression of love.

In point of fact, many a man do not like the idea of expressing love (edit to read being romantic) on Valentine’s Day only. Most Zambian men will tell you to say every day and any day we need to show love to our women. Having said that, I must also hasten to mention that a man is different from a woman in many ways and the ways of expressing love by each sex is distinguished. For most women, Valentine’s Day is much more important. Therefore the men have assimilated the culture of commemorating the day.

Personally I have never really been so much keyed up by this day for the lovers. Maybe because I grew up believing the origins of the celebrations of the day are etched in pagan festivities. But that is just one version. Another version is that traditionally in some parts of the UK, spring begins on February 14th, the day on which birds chose their mates. In parts of Sussex Valentine’s Day was called 'the Birds' Wedding Day'. Yet another version is that Saint Valentine is a widely recognized third-century Roman saint who presided over secret weddings for condemned men and he was executed on February 14. Nothing is reliably known of the origins of Valentine’s Day, but it is widely celebrated throughout the world today.

Some people choose Valentine’s Day as the day to propose to their partners, while others set February 14 as their wedding day. In recent years, Valentine's Day has become a commercial day more than anything else, with tradition and folklore thrown out the window. When I was in my 8^th grade I sent a valentine’s card to a girl I admired then and this was sent anonymously. We were told it was a day when secret admirers sent presents. In the years that followed we believed in sending gifts to those we love such as a girl friend or a wife.

In recent years it has become a day for sending out flowers and presents to a ‘valentine’ of choice. This could be a mother, father, brother, niece or that neighbor from the next street. On the radio today the host kept greeting every caller with the words “happy valentines”. Then I received an email from a male colleague whose greeting was also ‘happy valentines’.  It’s all confusing now what Valentine’s Day is all about now. I definitely won’t walk into the office and wish everyone happy valentines or send out happy valentine salutations to everyone like it is their birthday.

It has all become a lot too confusing for my liking really. Since my most recent understanding of the day is that it is for the one you love and are in a relationship with, I will keep it a day for the wife. I will hope to surprise her every year with something she isn’t expecting. Last year I spread rose petals on our bed and the floor from the bedroom door making a red carpet of rose petals. She was ecstatic and mentioned I am very romantic. Two months later she called me a hopeless romantic after I stayed late at the office and when I got home, I went straight to the TV remote and got glued to the football match that was airing.

In the book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, John Gray outlines differences between a man and a woman which he believes when appreciated, it help to grow love in a relationship. One of my famous quotes from the book is; “Men are motivated when they feel needed while women are motivated when they feel cherished.” The differences between the sexes are many and quite often prove to be the dividing line between a weary relationship and a great one. I will not put my relationship with my wife in a precarious situation all because of my jaded understanding of Valentines.

My understanding of the reason for Valentine’s Day may be indistinct but I have to sign off now in order to make it on time for that candle lit dinner with the wife. Before then let me confirm with the manager of the restaurant I am headed to if he has emptied all the water in the swimming pool and filled the empty space previously occupied by water with dinner tables and rose petals standing in for a red carpet.