Knot yet:

Precisely a month ago, a friend asked me a question, whose answer I still maintain; “I don’t know”. “When is the right time for a man to get married?” he asked. My initial response was, “I don’t know”. In trying to be a little more helpful than that, I told him it’s not the age that matters the most but one’s emotional readiness, maturity to deal with another person’s issues, financial preparedness and of course having the right person to commit to.

Before I lose you with my abysmal desperation at trying to sound like the magazine type dating and marriage experts (sexperts as I call them), I want to state that this blog is not in any way a lecture on dating and marriage choices. I am simply trying to find answers to the question a friend asked and I feel I didn't help him with my answer.

An online report suggests that in the USA, the average man doesn't get married until 29. I suppose it could be the same age for Zambia if anyone bothered to take a study. I am making this conclusion solely looking at the age most of my friends get married at, and then finding an average. This is a highly flawed process though, considering the bias of the sample population being only those that I know. Then there are issues of the sample size being too small to be representative of the whole Zambia. If on the other hand, I am close to the truth, there is also the issue of separating urban population from rural population. Generally, males in rural dwellings tend to get married and start families earlier. This could then shift the age of marriage in Zambia further downwards.

Nonetheless, it is not my intention now to discuss the population distribution or any other demographic factors. My intention is just to provide an answer to when the right age/time for men to marry is. Are Zambian ‘guys’ interested in marriage and starting families? Is it true that ‘guys’ are ‘not committing’ anymore? It is proclaimed in many circles that ‘guys’ are not marrying anymore but just jumping from one sexual relation to another in the process creating a chain of ex-girlfriends and in some cases ‘baby mamas’.

Contrary to this popular belief, most guys want to get married... eventually. It may take longer for the average guy to recognize the symptoms of ‘marriageitis’, but it's there nonetheless. The underlining factor is that the man must feel the need for commitment himself rather than as a result of pressure from society. Our society expects any man who has a job (regardless of the kind of job) to find a young woman to marry and start a family.  

It is my strongly held view that society is too expectant on young men. Considering the fact that a young man has got to struggle to get a decent education, get a job (or start a business) then and maybe then can he look for a partner that suits him and he may have turned 29, 30 or 35. I do not subscribe to the notion that any of the ages I have mentioned above is too late, neither is it too early. Rather than living up to the stereotype of commitment-phobic bachelors, I feel the modern Zambian guy wants to settle with one woman till death do them part. It is just interpretation of right time which may be different.

However, marriage is one decision that doesn't come easy for most men. The number one reason for the inertia in committing is the popular belief that in marriage, a man loses his self-worth as a wife turns into a ‘control freak’. She decides when he should come or leave home, what he should wear etc. This is the reason why at the slightest hint of a woman showing signs of nagging, the man will delay or cancel indefinitely the decision to marry. Most men are terrified that the woman they marry will become ‘a beast’ in a few years. Statements such a ‘marriage is the only place where one is always right and the other one is the man’ or ‘women get married, men surrender’ are coined.

Men also see marriage as an institution deeply embedded in routines. Routine sex, routine talk about the children’s needs, routine discussion on house rent or mortgage repayment. All things that suck the life out of someone, making them uninterested in all other things in life, are associated with marriage. Basically, it is believed that a man will even lose satisfaction from work, but just get security from it. It may not be true, but it is a highly held belief among male folk.

The other reason why a guy takes his time on the decision to marry is the fact that the Zambian guy has a stereotype woman he deems ‘marriage material’, that in most cases does not exist. This is a kind of lady who is very prayerful and has a toll free number to heaven but the guy himself only goes to church twice every quarter of the year. The guy may be a party animal who shindigs from one night club to the next but the ‘marriage material’ lady must not have seen the inside of a night club in her life. This woman must cook to make the Taj Pamodzi hotel head chef run for his money but the guy only knows one recipe – scrambled egg. This woman does not exist. A lot of women may tick 80% of the boxes for ‘marriage material’ but never 100%. Most men focus on finding the right person than being the right person.

Focusing on finding the right person than making efforts at being the right person is not synonymous to men. The expectations of the Zambian woman are now way too high for most men in their twenties to fulfill. The Zambian woman of 2013 expects a man that makes at least, 5 digits of Zambian kwacha rebased, possibly lives in a house he owns and lives a lavish lifestyle with great aplomb. Each economic bracket has its own expectations and threshold before marriage is permitted. In order to be such a man most guys wait more and more years because they expect a certain level of wealth before marriage. The concept of working slowly up the economic ladder is now more foreign than the concept of threesome sex.

On the other hand in as much as a man wants to commit, he does not want to feel pressured into anything and any hint of his woman trying to persuade him into settling down with her is usually met with some resistance. A woman constantly reminding a man that he needs to marry her most often is met with some degree of rebelliousness in him which in the end culminates into everything being called off. The people who apply the most pressure on single guys to get married are actually not their partners but the married colleagues and family. The pressure may not be applied literally but the constant reminders are existent.

A man generally wants to go his own way, find his own path, taking a stand based on a realistic assessment of what’s in it for him, and maintain his self-respect not by complying with society’s expectations but at times even by disregarding societal expectations.

A man must be at an age where they are able to adjust
or be selfless, before they consider marriage

So when my friend asked me what the right age for marriage is, I couldn't help think he finally wants to bow to the constant hullabaloo from people. At some point he even told me to confirm to some of our more elderly friends, a lie he had told them. Apparently while he shared some drinks with the two ‘elder statesmen’ one weekend, he decided to leave early and they questioned why a bachelor would want to go home early and he told them he had married a longtime girlfriend after she got pregnant. Maybe the lie was to just shut them up as they ‘have been on his case’ especially after I wed last year.

On 22 December 2012 I married at a very private ceremony at the Lusaka civic center before exchanging vows for the second time a week later on 29^th December 2012 when our wedding ceremony was held. In the year that has been, my poor friend has been bombarded by questions of when he would wed himself. It has to come from him when he feels he is ready. He must not marry because his friend next door got married last month, or that he will soon turn 28 and his community thinks that is a bit late. No one must determine when another should make the call let alone pressure them.

It wouldn't be wrong to actually assume that the more delayed the decision on the part of guys, the better for a marriage. Surely no one can convince me that a 19 year old guy or even 25 year old guy has enough ‘life experience’ to be able to cope with the demands that a marriage can sometimes bring. Over the past year that I've been married, I've come to learn that marriage is hard work every day that involves losing part of self in order to please the other. At 19, 20 or 25, the poor guy is just discovering himself thus very self-centered hence won’t be as selfless as marriage life requires.

I read on a blog recently titled “marriage is not for me”, that “You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn't for yourself. Marriage isn't for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.” a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”

In every space males congregate where women have elbowed their way in and demanded changes, men give ground.  The expectation is that the environment and the men in it adjust to suit women’s needs, rather than expecting women to adjust themselves to the environment. Thus, it is always better for the man to be at an age where they are able to accommodate another person and that only comes with a little more maturity. But my answer is, there is no specified age to get married. Do not do it because Jack did it, take your time and make the right decision.

The questions remain. Are Zambian ‘guys’ interested in marriage and starting families? Yes they are. There is a wedding, bridal shower, kitchen party and all sorts of betrothal ceremonies every weekend. Everyone is just that little bit more cautious about the marriage decision than years before when some of our parents married in their teens. It is believed life was easier then. Is it true that ‘guys’ are ‘not committing’ anymore? While some men get everything they want out of a relationship without having to commit, this is not the main reason they won’t settle down early. If a lady is hell bent at waiting for a man to knock at her door and walk her down the aisle few months later, it may seem long before that happens. The best thing is to get on with one’s life, build a career and focus at being a person every society needs in their midst. Everything else follows.

Yes men are committing, but do not put a time frame for them. Terms such as all men are dogs must not be used. Not all men cheat, the same way not all women are loose. Besides, there is a growing belief in Zambia today that more women are involved in multiple relationships than men. A man and woman are responsible for a failed or a successful relationship and if some relationships do not result in marriage then they were not meant to be. Who said marriage is the ultimate result for all?

On Lunar surface landing, funeral etiquette & Lusaka City centenary

I will admit 2013 has been a marathon year. We are almost done with the year. Am glad it is in this year that this blog was born. I get emotional writing these blogs, because I feel like I am expressing my opinions to the whole world even though in reality it’s only a few of my friends who dare care to visit my blog site every now and then. So as the year is coming to a close, there are a lot of things I’d have loved to discuss, but I just cant talk about everything hence I will touch on selected happening of the last 7 days. Frankly speaking, even my closest of friends don’t need my opinion on everything.

However, the past week has had so much happening for me to just cast a blind eye without a comment. Looking at the past seven days in retrospect, so much has happened and a lot of people have expressed their view on each and every event. Maybe I should too, but where do I start from then?

Over the weekend of 14 December 2013, China landed a craft carrying a robotic rover on the surface of the Moon. Television pictures showed the moon's surface as the lander touched down as Staff at mission control in Beijing clapped and celebrated after confirmation came through. The last time humans landed a craft on the Moon was back in 1976, when the Soviet Union sent a robotic explorer so this did not go down well in the western world. Phil Plait who writes Slate’s Bad Astronomy blog and is an astronomer, public speaker, science evangelizer, and author of Death from the skies wrote; “I’m glad humans are sending things to the Moon — read what Sean Carroll wrote about that — but I’d like to see the United States taking this sort of thing more seriously. When the US dreams big, it can make grand things happen. We’re becoming more insular in our outlook on a lot of things, including space exploration, and that’s a damn shame.” 

The UK Daily mail on 16 December 2013 went with a screaming headline; “China's just sent a rocket to the moon and is an economic superpower. So, Mr Cameron... why ARE we still giving them £27MILLION in aid?” Other publications like the express, The Telegraph and The independent also questioned the reported £27.4 Million in aid given to china by the UK government in 2012. But I bet the rest of the world is happy that India and China are no longer just referred to as emerging economies but now as super powers. This will quell some of the arrogance displayed by some nations. It’s like in business when competition emerges to counter a monopoly. Sanity comes onto the market baby! Exploitation of consumers almost comes to an end. 

see who isn't amused!

However, the biggest story of the weekend for me was still comrade Nelson Mandela’s funeral. After about two weeks of mourning, glowing tributes and eulogies from world leaders, celebrities, business icons, global opinion makers and the regular Sara & Robert, the South African global icon fondly called Madiba was put to rest on Sunday 15^th December. In Zambia, what was ‘trending’ regarding Mandela’s burial day was our former president, Kenneth Kaunda’s speech at the funeral service! Kaunda’s vote of thanks given at Qunu was so animated, albeit truthful, hence brought loud laughter at a ceremony where solemn quietness largely prevailed. KK referred to the apartheid-era National Party as the "Boer" party. "I had a chance to meet a number of friends of the boer company. I spent three nights with [former Prime Minister John] Vorster on a train [stationed on the railway bridge over Victoria Falls, which separates Zambia and Zimbabwe]," Kaunda said.

He added, "I asked the prime minister to please release Nelson Mandela and his colleagues and come together in discussions. It came to nothing.

"Then came another boer leader - I think he was called [PW] Botha - to discuss the future of South Africa together. I didn't succeed and it also came to nothing.

"Then came my meeting with FW de Klerk... and, after a few hours, I called a press conference where I said: 'I think I can do business with this man'. Thank goodness he released this great man."

A lot of Zambians took turns in condemning comrade KK’s persistent use of the word “boer”. More people condemned his singing, “tiyamike Madiba ni mutima umo!, oho you have forgotten”. Many asked why KK was allowed to go on stage without a written speech. Some claimed the old man broke funeral etiquette.

I found nothing wanting in KK’s speech. He spoke from the heart, reminded the world that a certain clique of ruling ‘boer’ elite had sought to create a nation of prosperity for the minority white and oppression for the majority black natives, Indians and coloreds. But off course most Zambians didn’t want KK to speak the truth but rather for him to give a highly ‘cosmetic’ and PR innuendo glossed speech such that they made comparisons to Barak Obama’s speech at the soccer city stadium a few days before.

What I found to be breaking funeral etiquette was the flirty behavior exhibited by David Cameron & Barak Obama with the blonde Danish Prime minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt. They took ‘selfie’ pictures of themselves, laughed, and then Miss Thorning-Schmidt put a hand on Mr Cameron’s Cheek to pull him closer to her, or was it to just make the three of them fit in the picture? All this happened to the apparent displeasure of Obama’s wife, Michelle.

In the week that was, I couldn't forget the story of the famous sign language interpreter at the same ceremony. According to deaf news blog The Limping Chicken a proper interpreter was present, however the man signing on stage didn't appear to know what he was doing, signing with a bizarre rhythm in a way that didn't tie into what the various speakers were saying. The 34-year-old later claimed he may have suffered a schizophrenic attack in which he saw "angels" flying into the stadium.

The week didn't end with the bizarre interpreter that made me want to pay a little more attention to the interpreters on ZNBC with my limited knowledge of sign language, there was still a news story coming from Zimbabwe. I read on a news site that ‘Uncle Bob’, Robert Mugabe, wants to rename the Victoria Falls. Apparently he believes the name Victoria Falls does not reflect liberation heritage. The man is so deeply entrenched in liberation from colonial rule he hasn’t noticed we are almost in 2014 and our liberation struggle is now from poverty not colonialism. Phew, too much has happened in the week, but I need to digress and focus on Lusaka city centenary.

2013 is the year Lusaka City council (LCC) clocked 100 years of existence. 1^st July – 31st July saw the height of the centenary celebrations. I hope we just didn't put up posters all over the city pop Champagne and go to sleep without sitting down to reflect and put a plan of where we want to see Lusaka after it clocks another century. The city has definitely come a long way and it is as modern as an African city can be.

But the growth of the city has come with challenges of its own. The major challenge being that population growth has not been matched by an expansion of amenities like water reticulation, proper sewer systems, and housing infrastructure. I forgot the ‘inadequate’ road network. The population growth has also led to a rapid inflation of real estate and housing. We may not be able to afford living in this city soon.

The LCC has reportedly requested to expand the boundaries of the city following the growing population. They have written to President Sata requesting him to allow for expansion of the city. This expansion is highly rumoured to be only in terms of boundaries. However Lusaka must develop like many other cities across the globe that have maximized available space as well. A little more sophistication on the road network will also help.  It is my hope that the local authority has a comprehensive urban development plan which will be executed in the near future.

It is my hope and prayer that as LCC gets into its 2^nd century of existence, it will be a City that will be vibrant and greatly admirable. Currently, it is a young City, the capital of a great people of Zambia but it will not be young forever. I hope no blogger in July 2113 will say, “LCC has clocked 2 centuries!! Celebrating what?? Blocked drainage, filthy streets, uncollected garbage, poor road signs list goes on.” That is if it will still be called Lusaka.

Lusaka in 1971

May not really look like this in reality, but this is Lusaka in 2013

National Mourning

Even though I never proved it, I learned that if you put a frog in boiling water it will jump away to safety. But, if you put the same frog in a pot with water at room temperature and slowly heat it up, it will die from the rising water temperature without moving. Of Course, I have never proved this theory. However, it is my wish that Zambians eventually take the approach of the frog when faced with death or a funeral. As a society, we must warm up to death and learn to accept it, live with it and move on to the next day. Death must not bring as to a stall.

We have evolved as a society and as the population has grown so have we been faced by many deaths. We must learn to adapt, mourn the deceased and let life go on for the living. Death is something that befalls everyone eventually. We must learn to live with it and in times of occurrences of death learn to move on and celebrate the life of our passing colleagues. Yes death is painful, but those that remain must learn to move on. Zambia is a Christian nation, thus its citizens and residents alike must know that death itself is not the end. The bible comforts us in John 14:1-3, “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also.” Further comfort is found in 1Thesalonians 4:13,14; “Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope.  We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.”

Meet Omar (not real name)

Omar is a 36year old man who lives in Nyumbayanga not too far from his child hood home in Bauleni. Omar finds himself giving out a broad smile every time he sees a hearse or a convoy of cars heading to a funeral procession.

Apparently, the smile stems from an incident that happened 28years ago at his school when he was just in his 2^nd grade. Omar’s father had been called by the school authorities to be alerted of his son’s perpetual habit of reporting late for class. The father was surprised by the teacher’s statement and he immediately turned malevolently to his son in enquiry of an answer. Omar calmly responded, “Everyday as I walk to school, I find one convoy after another of cars headed for a burial or a memorial service at Leopards hill cemetery. My dad and my teacher tell me I have to stand in order to show respect to the deceased so I only continue walking after the last car has passed.”

This was Omar’s story. Every day he encountered several vehicles heading for burial and thus he stood still until the last car passed then he would continue his walk to school. No sooner had he started walking than another convoy appeared, also headed for burial and poor Omar would stop and stand still again. By the time he got to school he would be an hour late. The fact that he lived in Bauleni and went to Woodlands B primary school meant he had to walk along leopards hill road for long stretches.

A Zambian flag at half mast

Late Dr. FTJ Chiluba & Dr. Kenneth Kaunda singing with
Gospel Artiste Hezron Ngosa at late Dr.Patrick Levy Mwanawasa's funeral service

Effect on business & livelihood

Omar’s story highlights but an enigma caused by funerals bringing everything to a stop in our society. But my view of showing respect to the departed does not mean life has to momentarily come to a standstill. Every time a big shot dies and the government declares national mourning, Omar comes to mind. In Zambia, national mourning means, during such a period, all flags will fly at half-mast and activities of entertainment nature are postponed or canceled, radio and TV stations play solemn music and all sports events are canceled regardless of any TV broadcast agreements which need to be fulfilled.

The cancelation of football matches has really been a problem for the Football Association of Zambia (FAZ), which has had to postpone and reschedule local league fixtures despite South African sports broadcast giant Supersport having paid to air such games and reserved programming slots for such games. The buck doesn’t stop at football or sport, if you run a business in event management, PA system hire or any other of an entertainment nature then your business will suffer a loss of revenue during that mourning period. In the short term, those who run businesses in the entertainment industries suffer a loss of revenue but in the long term this could be a reduction on GDP.

There are also those people whose livelihood is entertainment. There are a lot of musicians whose album sales only add up to the cost of shooting a music video which they hope will catapult their popularity and consequently increase the album sales. Such a person survives on weekend ‘gigs’ hoping from one night club to the next every weekend. If consecutive weekends are declared mourning periods, then only God knows how they will make their bread

On a social perspective, If you are a young man who planned to wed on a particular date at a venue like The Mulungushi International Conference Center (MICC) you’d have to postpone your wedding. The cancelation will be done with little or no regard to other factor such as if one had paid air tickets flying out to a honeymoon destination the night after the wedding. I mentioned MICC because I assume some privately owned venues would probably ‘illegally’ allow the wedding to go ahead but any institution with government connections certainly wouldn’t.

What I have seen from other societies is that, when there is a national mourning or a state funeral they will not cancel all events, instead all commercial or sporting events will go ahead but preceded by a minute’s silence to show respect. The weekend of December 7^th and 8^th for instance saw all football matches in England start with a minutes applause from both teams and all spectators to celebrate the life of Nelson Mandela. In South Africa itself, all football matches went ahead as well with respect shown before the match with a minute of silence.

My views... My thoughts
The problem with halting all activities is that as the population is growing and more people have served in one or more government positions or become prominent in other spheres of life, we will lose a lot of productive time each time any of them dies and more and more days are declared for national mourning. We can pay our respect to the departed without ceasing to live ourselves.

Having a minute of silence before a company unveils a new product is more beneficial to those still living and respectful to the departed and their family than having such an event canceled and everyone is cursing silently for lost time. Not too long ago, national mourning was declared and so many people kept asking questions trying to know who had died. It turned out that the deceased had been a minister of Agriculture in the UNIP government precisely around 1974. I don’t have the actual population distribution statistics for Zambia but I’d safely estimate that 60% of the people alive at the time the man's funeral was declared as national mourning hadn't heard of the man. Anybody born after 1968 would have been 6 years old in 1974 and may not remember anything from that year or years before.

In this kind of situation, the man is best honored by a state funeral and a minute of silence at all public events in that period and let the family who really suffer the loss to mourn their father, husband, uncle, brother, grandfather and whatever else he was to everyone close to him. This is more respectful. While everyone was asking who had died the radio stations stopped playing the mandatory solemn music but just switched to anything with a gospel tag. Unless Pompi’s giant killer and Marky II’s rap rendition in Bemba, of TI’s Halelujah qualifies to be solemn. I don’t think even Kings Malembe Malembe’s Rhumbaish dance gospel Pye pye pye is solemn. 

NELSON MANDELA in pictures

'' Death is something inevitable. When a man has done what he considers to be his duty to his people and his country, he can rest in peace. I believe I have made that effort and that is, therefore, why I will sleep for the eternity '' - Nelson Mandela

There is nothing more to say of this man, i just share some random pictures! 

He has played his part in the history of humanity

Born 18 July 1918

Younger days

Nelson Mandela died aged 95

In 2002 formed an HIV/AIDS campaign 46664, his prison number

ANC rally after release from Prison. With Walter Sisulu and Winnie Madikizela

With former California governor/Hollywood actor Arnold Schwarzenegger

With former US president, Bill Clinton

Signing a document with his predecessor FW De Klerk

With former Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson

meeting Manchester united players front Ryan Giggs

With wife Graca Machel Mandela

sharing a light moment with Graca and president Jacob Zuma

Meeting 2010 FIFA world cup committee member Zambia's Kalusha Bwalya

A friend to the children

First visit after release from prison, here in Zambia with president Kenneth Kaunda

With late pop icon Michael Jackson

With Neil Tovey Bafana Bafana 1996 AFCON winning captain & far left FW De Klerk

With US talk show queen Oprah Winfrey

Remains the symbol of South Africa's apartheid struggle

With Walter Sisulu at ANC rally after release from prison

With Winnie Madikizela at ANC rally

With the springbok team after their 2007 rugby world cup triumph

With US actor and producer Tyler Perry

With then wife Winnie Madikizela Mandela

Revisiting his old cell

Born at Mvezo village transkei, remains an icon 

reflections!

Salute of honour

Mandela statue

with FW De Klerk

Meeting 2010 FIFA world cup committee chairperson
Danny Jordan & FIFA secretary general Jerome Valcke

A world icon!

Madiba in 1964

Mandela in boxing glove, a real fighter

Meeting Laila, boxer & daughter of legendary boxer Muhammad Ali

With the Obama family

Attending the FIFA world cup 2010 final between Spain and Netherlands

With Winnie on their wedding day

reminiscing on his prison days

Long look at the past

Last picture released

Visiting Canada, in Ottawa with then prime minister

11 February 1990, upon release from prison

With Graca meeting queen Elizabeth II at Buckingham palace

With actor Sydney Portier

My favourite Mandela quote!