Knot yet:

Precisely a month ago, a friend asked me a question, whose answer I still maintain; “I don’t know”. “When is the right time for a man to get married?” he asked. My initial response was, “I don’t know”. In trying to be a little more helpful than that, I told him it’s not the age that matters the most but one’s emotional readiness, maturity to deal with another person’s issues, financial preparedness and of course having the right person to commit to.

Before I lose you with my abysmal desperation at trying to sound like the magazine type dating and marriage experts (sexperts as I call them), I want to state that this blog is not in any way a lecture on dating and marriage choices. I am simply trying to find answers to the question a friend asked and I feel I didn't help him with my answer.

An online report suggests that in the USA, the average man doesn't get married until 29. I suppose it could be the same age for Zambia if anyone bothered to take a study. I am making this conclusion solely looking at the age most of my friends get married at, and then finding an average. This is a highly flawed process though, considering the bias of the sample population being only those that I know. Then there are issues of the sample size being too small to be representative of the whole Zambia. If on the other hand, I am close to the truth, there is also the issue of separating urban population from rural population. Generally, males in rural dwellings tend to get married and start families earlier. This could then shift the age of marriage in Zambia further downwards.

Nonetheless, it is not my intention now to discuss the population distribution or any other demographic factors. My intention is just to provide an answer to when the right age/time for men to marry is. Are Zambian ‘guys’ interested in marriage and starting families? Is it true that ‘guys’ are ‘not committing’ anymore? It is proclaimed in many circles that ‘guys’ are not marrying anymore but just jumping from one sexual relation to another in the process creating a chain of ex-girlfriends and in some cases ‘baby mamas’.

Contrary to this popular belief, most guys want to get married... eventually. It may take longer for the average guy to recognize the symptoms of ‘marriageitis’, but it's there nonetheless. The underlining factor is that the man must feel the need for commitment himself rather than as a result of pressure from society. Our society expects any man who has a job (regardless of the kind of job) to find a young woman to marry and start a family.  

It is my strongly held view that society is too expectant on young men. Considering the fact that a young man has got to struggle to get a decent education, get a job (or start a business) then and maybe then can he look for a partner that suits him and he may have turned 29, 30 or 35. I do not subscribe to the notion that any of the ages I have mentioned above is too late, neither is it too early. Rather than living up to the stereotype of commitment-phobic bachelors, I feel the modern Zambian guy wants to settle with one woman till death do them part. It is just interpretation of right time which may be different.

However, marriage is one decision that doesn't come easy for most men. The number one reason for the inertia in committing is the popular belief that in marriage, a man loses his self-worth as a wife turns into a ‘control freak’. She decides when he should come or leave home, what he should wear etc. This is the reason why at the slightest hint of a woman showing signs of nagging, the man will delay or cancel indefinitely the decision to marry. Most men are terrified that the woman they marry will become ‘a beast’ in a few years. Statements such a ‘marriage is the only place where one is always right and the other one is the man’ or ‘women get married, men surrender’ are coined.

Men also see marriage as an institution deeply embedded in routines. Routine sex, routine talk about the children’s needs, routine discussion on house rent or mortgage repayment. All things that suck the life out of someone, making them uninterested in all other things in life, are associated with marriage. Basically, it is believed that a man will even lose satisfaction from work, but just get security from it. It may not be true, but it is a highly held belief among male folk.

The other reason why a guy takes his time on the decision to marry is the fact that the Zambian guy has a stereotype woman he deems ‘marriage material’, that in most cases does not exist. This is a kind of lady who is very prayerful and has a toll free number to heaven but the guy himself only goes to church twice every quarter of the year. The guy may be a party animal who shindigs from one night club to the next but the ‘marriage material’ lady must not have seen the inside of a night club in her life. This woman must cook to make the Taj Pamodzi hotel head chef run for his money but the guy only knows one recipe – scrambled egg. This woman does not exist. A lot of women may tick 80% of the boxes for ‘marriage material’ but never 100%. Most men focus on finding the right person than being the right person.

Focusing on finding the right person than making efforts at being the right person is not synonymous to men. The expectations of the Zambian woman are now way too high for most men in their twenties to fulfill. The Zambian woman of 2013 expects a man that makes at least, 5 digits of Zambian kwacha rebased, possibly lives in a house he owns and lives a lavish lifestyle with great aplomb. Each economic bracket has its own expectations and threshold before marriage is permitted. In order to be such a man most guys wait more and more years because they expect a certain level of wealth before marriage. The concept of working slowly up the economic ladder is now more foreign than the concept of threesome sex.

On the other hand in as much as a man wants to commit, he does not want to feel pressured into anything and any hint of his woman trying to persuade him into settling down with her is usually met with some resistance. A woman constantly reminding a man that he needs to marry her most often is met with some degree of rebelliousness in him which in the end culminates into everything being called off. The people who apply the most pressure on single guys to get married are actually not their partners but the married colleagues and family. The pressure may not be applied literally but the constant reminders are existent.

A man generally wants to go his own way, find his own path, taking a stand based on a realistic assessment of what’s in it for him, and maintain his self-respect not by complying with society’s expectations but at times even by disregarding societal expectations.

A man must be at an age where they are able to adjust
or be selfless, before they consider marriage

So when my friend asked me what the right age for marriage is, I couldn't help think he finally wants to bow to the constant hullabaloo from people. At some point he even told me to confirm to some of our more elderly friends, a lie he had told them. Apparently while he shared some drinks with the two ‘elder statesmen’ one weekend, he decided to leave early and they questioned why a bachelor would want to go home early and he told them he had married a longtime girlfriend after she got pregnant. Maybe the lie was to just shut them up as they ‘have been on his case’ especially after I wed last year.

On 22 December 2012 I married at a very private ceremony at the Lusaka civic center before exchanging vows for the second time a week later on 29^th December 2012 when our wedding ceremony was held. In the year that has been, my poor friend has been bombarded by questions of when he would wed himself. It has to come from him when he feels he is ready. He must not marry because his friend next door got married last month, or that he will soon turn 28 and his community thinks that is a bit late. No one must determine when another should make the call let alone pressure them.

It wouldn't be wrong to actually assume that the more delayed the decision on the part of guys, the better for a marriage. Surely no one can convince me that a 19 year old guy or even 25 year old guy has enough ‘life experience’ to be able to cope with the demands that a marriage can sometimes bring. Over the past year that I've been married, I've come to learn that marriage is hard work every day that involves losing part of self in order to please the other. At 19, 20 or 25, the poor guy is just discovering himself thus very self-centered hence won’t be as selfless as marriage life requires.

I read on a blog recently titled “marriage is not for me”, that “You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn't for yourself. Marriage isn't for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.” a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”

In every space males congregate where women have elbowed their way in and demanded changes, men give ground.  The expectation is that the environment and the men in it adjust to suit women’s needs, rather than expecting women to adjust themselves to the environment. Thus, it is always better for the man to be at an age where they are able to accommodate another person and that only comes with a little more maturity. But my answer is, there is no specified age to get married. Do not do it because Jack did it, take your time and make the right decision.

The questions remain. Are Zambian ‘guys’ interested in marriage and starting families? Yes they are. There is a wedding, bridal shower, kitchen party and all sorts of betrothal ceremonies every weekend. Everyone is just that little bit more cautious about the marriage decision than years before when some of our parents married in their teens. It is believed life was easier then. Is it true that ‘guys’ are ‘not committing’ anymore? While some men get everything they want out of a relationship without having to commit, this is not the main reason they won’t settle down early. If a lady is hell bent at waiting for a man to knock at her door and walk her down the aisle few months later, it may seem long before that happens. The best thing is to get on with one’s life, build a career and focus at being a person every society needs in their midst. Everything else follows.

Yes men are committing, but do not put a time frame for them. Terms such as all men are dogs must not be used. Not all men cheat, the same way not all women are loose. Besides, there is a growing belief in Zambia today that more women are involved in multiple relationships than men. A man and woman are responsible for a failed or a successful relationship and if some relationships do not result in marriage then they were not meant to be. Who said marriage is the ultimate result for all?