High 5 Buddy

I can’t believe it’s been 5 years already. My son was born on April 18, 2009. It seems like it was only yesterday, but surely half a decade has elapsed. In that half a decade, so much has happened. We have shared the best father and son bond and at times we've had our downs. AND we have loved each other more than anything, after all he is the mini-me.

My son was born to change me, to let me grow. Two things have made me grow more than any lessons I ever got my entire life. The two things are; becoming a father and becoming a husband. Today as my son Aongola Joshua turns 5, I write him a letter. He may not read it now but I hope he reads it soon and one day when I am gone he understands that daddy loved him, loves, and will always love him.

Do that AICHUKUCHA dance, its your birthday!

Dear Son,

The first time I saw you remains one of the most memorable events in my life. You were just a couple of hours old and looked so tiny. I tried to hold you with utmost care, afraid to break you. But then I was told you were actually the heaviest baby born that day at that point. This made me ease up and I held you warmly. This was a momentous point in my life. You changed me and everything I represented as an individual.

You came into this earth as a 3.9 kilogram baby, to make his father grow up. You made me appreciate what the word responsibility means. It’s like God used you to force a self-professed loner, let someone in. The truth is that I have serious bonds with very few people… yours and mine will always be the strongest.  You are me and I am you. My blood flows in your blood stream. You are a part of me that God allowed to be for his own purpose. You are a product of love, and I will teach you to love. I will teach you to love not only your family and friends, but adversaries and the rest of humanity.

I will teach you how to be a man on your own so that when one day I am no more, you will take those lessons and conquer the world. Conquer the world yes, is what I am preparing you for. You must conquer not for you but for the benefit of the whole of humanity. I will teach you to respect every being, as respect for others will only breed respect, and appreciation towards you.

But this letter is not about all the lessons that await you, it is a celebration of the last 5 years that your presence in my life has brought. I am not one fond of picking up resemblances in people, but the first time I saw you I could tell you looked just like me. You smiled just like me, with thick lips just like me and had a single dimple on the left cheek just like I had in my younger days.

I remember when you were only 7 months old and I picked you up from your grandparents’ house for a weekend and that day I didn’t have private transport and when I got onto the bus everyone stared at me. They probably thought you were a stolen baby. I think in my part of the world it was strange for a man to be moving alone with a 7 months old baby. We enjoyed the weekend together, and nothing comes close to such an experience.

Of course there are plenty other moments I have enjoyed. I remember driving to Chilanga with you alone in the back seat and as we drove on, I could tell you had messed your diaper but I thought I’d change you once we arrived at my sister’s place. But we approached a road block and the lady cop manning the road block after checking inside the car and saw you decided to ask me to park the car by the road side.

The cop immediately asked another cop to man the road block as she came to us and upon reaching she asked quite a lot of questions and when she opened the door she asked me to change your diaper and I obliged. She probably thought I was being negligent, but I thanked her for giving me the earliest opportunity to change your diaper as driving on the Kafue road highway was not going to afford me the chance, until after we arrived at our destination. The cop’s last words were, “take that baby to its mother, or you may be arrested”. It’s almost like in our society, a man cannot be allowed to be a parent. However, to me the whole episode was really hilarious when I look back.

In my bag of recollections, there is an episode that brings sadness to me. You had been sick for a while and the clinic didn’t really explain what was wrong with you. So when we got to St. George’s clinic on Cairo road then, you seemed quite moody and you were crying. It was quite clear that something was bothering you, but nobody knew what it was. The clinic wanted to get blood samples from you to perform tests.

This is where the problem was. It was difficulty for them to get blood samples as they could not locate any veins on your arm (probably hadn't developed much) so they tried to get from your neck then the groin (where your legs come together or between the leg and private parts). You were screaming louder from the pain while I held you tight to let the medical personnel do their job. Inside, I was really troubled. They finally got their samples but I think that experience was too much for you. To this day, you don’t like the sight of a doctor. You don’t even like seeing a doctor’s white coat on someone. I remember you telling me to take off my white coat when you came to where I had been one morning. You actually left to go and sit alone on the couch with eyes fixated on the TV never saying anything to me or anyone else. 

Later when you decided to speak, you only asked me if I was a doctor or not and when I told you I wasn't, you went into quite mode again for another 20 minutes or so.  The next thing you said to me was to ask me not to put on a doctor’s coat again. I didn't know how much that ordeal had affected you until then. In hindsight, I believe the clinic should have used some pain killer to alleviate distress during venipuncture in a pediatric patient that you were.

However on another moment that you felt pain, I wasn't there to be with you. I had developed a bad habit of forgetting my phone at home. On that day I had called your mum from the office land phone and asked on how you were doing. I called the second time late in the afternoon and had been told you were okay and just having fun. You should have been about ten months old and growing every day. I never called again and towards the end of the business day at the office a few complications came to light. We had loaded a truck for export and two items that were not on either the import permit, export permit or COMESA certificate of origin had been loaded.

It had been loaded by mistake after the customer had sent in a new order and an invoice generated. However, what had been prepared for loading was different stock items. The only option was to offload the wrong item and redo the invoice to match with what the permits indicated. After resolving all those problems the time was almost 20:30 hrs and the truck driver was given all the documents and asked to leave the following morning.

When I got home the first thing I reached for was my phone that I had left on my bed side. As I got it, I found 22 missed calls, and 17 were from your mother and I wondered what had happened since I spoke to her earlier in the day and informed her I had left my mobile phone at home. I immediately dialed her number and when she did answer she sounded like one who had been in panic and now relieved. She explained that you had cried for long periods so they rushed you to Chilenje clinic where you were diagnosed with a condition that is common in male babies when exposed to the cold. It can also happen if a wet diaper is not changed early enough as the wetness cools the testicles hence they disappear into the scrotum to seek heat. That can be painful, the medical practitioner had explained.

Whatever caused the testicles to disappear inside; it definitely brought pain to you. The time I had made that call was almost fifteen minutes after 21:00 hrs. I was told not to go to the clinic because the situation had normalized and your mother and grandmother were leaving the hospital with you to head back home. I was relived you were now fine but kicked myself at the fact that I wasn't there in your moment of pain.

My son that is life, I may not be there in all your moments of pain or joy but that will not mean I love you any less. I have always hoped that as you grow older you learn this crucial fact that one day I will not be there. I definitely won’t be with you forever and you must use your experiences in life to move on in life. For now, I am here with you and we will celebrate our lives together and nothing deserves a big celebration more than a 5^th birthday. At five, you transcend from baby to little boy or little man as I like to say. You will definitely get another letter from me when you turn 13 and another when you turn 21. In between these ages, we will live and enjoy moments and experiences together.

Happy 5th birthday my son, and give me that high 5 buddy! In the words of American singer and actor, Will Smith, I’d like to quote and sing to you. “Just the two of us, we can make it if we try, Just the two of us, (Just the two of us) Just the two of us, building castles in the sky, Just the two of us, you and I."

Happy birthday and High 5 buddy!

from your Daddy with lots of love.

"Just The Two Of Us"

(Now dad this is a very sensitive subject)
From the first time the doctor placed you in my arms
I knew I'd meet death before I'd let you meet harm
Although questions arose in my mind, would I be man enough?
Against wrong, choose right and be standin up
From the hospital that first night
Took a hour just ta get the carseat in right
People drivin all fast, got me kinda upset
Got you home safe, placed you in your basonette
That night I don't think one wink I slept
As I slipped out my bed, to your crib I crept
Touched your head gently, felt my heart melt
Cause I know I loved you more than life itself
Then to my knees, and I begged the Lord please
Let me be a good daddy, all he needs
Love, knowledge, discipline too
I pledge my life to you

[Chorus:]
Just the two of us, we can make it if we try
Just the two of us, (Just the two of us)
Just the two of us, building castles in the sky
Just the two of us, you and I

Five years old, bringin comedy
Everytime I look at you I think man, a little me
Just like me
Wait an see gonna be tall
Makes me laugh cause you got your dads ears an all
Sometimes I wonder, what you gonna be
A General, a Doctor, maybe a MC
Haha, I wanna kiss you all the time
But I will test that butt when you cut outta line, trudat
Uh-uh-uh why you do dat?
I try to be a tough dad, but you be makin me laugh
Crazy joy, when I see the eyes of my baby boy
I pledge to you, I will always do
Everything I can
Show you how to be a man
Dignity, integrity, honor an
An I don't mind if you lose, long as you came with it
An you can cry, ain't no shame it it
It didn't work out with me an your mom
But yo, push come to shove
You was conceived in love
So if the world attacks, and you slide off track
Remember one fact, I got your back

[Chorus]

It's a full-time job to be a good dad
You got so much more stuff than I had
I gotta study just to keep with the changin times
101 Dalmations on your CD-ROM
See me-I'm
Tryin to pretend I know
On my PC where that CD go
But yo, ain't nuthin promised, one day I'll be gone
Feel the strife, but trust life does go wrong
But just in case
It's my place
To impart
One day some girl's gonna break your heart
And ooh ain't no pain like from the opposite sex
Gonna hurt bad, but don't take it out on the next, son
Throughout life people will make you mad
Disrespect you and treat you bad
Let God deal with the things they do
Cause hate in your heart will consume you too
Always tell the truth, say your prayers
Hold doors, pull out chairs, easy on the swears
You're living proof that dreams do come true
I love you and I'm here for you

[Chorus to fade]

(This is a good song dad, how much am I gettin paid for this?)

Biology practical maybe…

Almost all the daily tabloids, radio & TV stations carried the story of pupils in chingola who organized a sex party at a named residence. The reports suggested that a group of more than 40 grade 10 pupils organized a party at a residence in Riverside Chingola at which alcohol was drunk in excess. What followed the heavy drinking was pairing and group sex by the pupils in different areas of the residence.

It is not the first time that a story has broken out in the media regarding pupils engaging in group sex. Late last year 16 pupils at Chikankata secondary school who had stayed behind at school during the holiday to prepare for their exams were expelled after they were caught having sex in one of the dormitories. It was not long before another Chikankata pupil was also sent home, only this time for being found having canal knowledge of a pig from the school’s Production Unit.

At that time I made light of both Chikankata situations by picking on my Tonga tribal cousins by claiming that such abhorrence as having canal knowledge of a ‘beast’ only happened in the southern province of Zambia. I gave examples of news reports that had emanated from Mazabuka before, where men had sex with chickens, dogs, infants etc. Forget the jokes on my Tonga tribal cousins, the truth is that these things happen everywhere.

The cases of pupils organizing parties where alcohol and sex are in abundant supply are many and happen in many places. This has been going on for a lot of years now. Most cases just never make newspaper stories or radio and TV news headlines. The culprits just never get caught, or as in the case of the chingola pupils, neighbours and onlookers never call the police.

Considering the fact that grade 10 pupils are usually between the age of 13 and 16, most of these cases can actually border on under age sex and underage drinking. In Zambia, sex under the age of 16 is illegal to the best of knowledge and so is alcohol consumption under the age of 18. Consequently marriage is illegal under the age of 16, which bothers me quite a lot why one can get married at 16 but still can’t vote or allowed to drink alcohol. If one is old enough to sign a marriage certificate then they are ready for self-determination and therefore should be able to choose who governs them. Anyway, one can only vote at age 18 while they have been married two years prior but that is not my topic of discussion now.

In Chikankata, when the teachers found the boys having sex in the classroom, it was reported that the teachers ordered the boys and girls to continue with the acts or they would face the full wrath of the school law if they did not comply. So the pupils continued their orgy while the teachers feeling so voyeuristic, looked on and even shot videos from smart phones. Maybe this was a biology lesson on reproduction. Yes a biology practical lesson.

What has made it become normal for teens to organize alcohol and sex parties, is too much exposure. At every corner, there is someone drinking and scantily dressed while exhibiting all sorts of uncouth behavior. Add to that, uncensored exposure through various media. Alcohol is sold anywhere any time and advertised anywhere anytime while sex images are exposed all the time from video and still images.

In most African nations, there are no restrictions on alcohol advertising while the restrictions on alcohol sale are lax. In my neighbouhood, a street name has even been nicknamed as devil street (topic for another blog), because the street houses night clubs, pubs, and all sorts of alcohol joints. I have used the street many times and seen scantily dressed teens with alcohol in hand not even inside the many bars but just on the road side. The street is usually full with vehicles and many will take their drinks inside the vehicles or beside them and the whole scene just looks very confusing.

I have nothing against people consuming alcohol. But there has to be order. In the street I have made reference to for example, there are a lot of bars to house all the patrons, who are allowed by the bar owners to take their drinks from the road side which is what I don’t understand. Mind you, the opposite side of this road there are houses where families with children reside. I’d imagine the children look on the other side of the road and see all sorts of uncouth behavior and dress which are worsened by alcohol influence. Those children are growing up believing this is how normal life should be.

These are the same children when they turn 13 they organize alcohol and sex parties. As if having children growing up near ‘devil street’ and subliminally imbedding in their minds that life is all about the parties, alcohol and sex was not enough, there is also lazy men’s area in Chilenje. A friend of mine once lived right across lazy men, and it was difficulty for her. She could not come home and just park her vehicle outside the gate to just pick up her visa card or anything she might have forgotten inside, as she would find drunken youths sitting on her car bonnet while imbibing their favorite intoxicating beverages.

In addition, there seems to be a shortage of toilets at these drinking places as the patrons use the fences of houses right across these joints. Having your fence or gate as a urinating spot is bad enough, but a urinating spot for alcoholics is way too bad. The stench that comes out of the fences and gates in such places is terrible and I really wonder how the people that live there survive. Someone would have done something about it really, unless the councils have vested interests in keeping all the non-complying joints in business.

If I mention Chilenje, it would be folly not to mention Chris’ corner. I do not think all the bars that operate in that area meet the minimum requirement and follow regulations. What about that place called M’s? And it is right opposite a church and on Sunday it is bad enough to walk out of that church and the first sight that greets one is that of teens and young adults engaging in alcohol and coarse behavior. You drive past Kalingalinga, Kabwata, Libala, matero, Lilanda and everywhere around Lusaka the situation is no different. I believe it is the whole country.  

Plenty alcohol billboards, this should not be the case.

More ads that glorify alcohol consumption 

Where is the alcohol consumption regulation from the civic authorities? One evening I got home and I found my DSTV subscription had expired and meant I couldn’t watch a UEFA champions’ league match between Manchester United and Real Madrid so I decided to watch it from any of the many bars housed in the famous ‘devil street’. I didn’t want to go further into the street, so I found parking space just two or three joint from the southern side of the street. I got inside the bar that was straight where I parked. Had it not been for my love of Manchester United, I’d not have lasted 5 minutes in that bar.

I lasted 45 minutes and at half time I decided to find a much more decent place else where to finish the game from. It was a Wednesday night and one wouldn’t have expected that many people in a bar. Not on this street. I was sat on the bar side and looking directly at the TV that hang over an entrance to the dancing hall which was dimly lit (or not lit at all) and there was a constant movement of people coming to buy beverages to the counter and all of them I can attest seemed younger than 18. The girls especially seemed much younger. Where I sat, near the bar counter at least there were much older persons, others even older than me.

Sometime later, as looked at the main entrance into the bar area from the outside I saw a very young couple that was kissing passionately and touching indiscreetly. Before that there had been an altercation just outside the entrance that I never paid attention to while many people inside had rushed to witness the fight. So when the half time whistle in the game that I had been watching blew, it was chance for me to leave and find another joint. I found a slight mature drinking place called shades in on the side of Lumumba road where I finished the game from. I have gone to Shades in another 2 times and even though I am usually the youngest of the lot and the only sober among them, I find this place much more tolerable.

Unless we have rules which are implemented and bar owners and patrons abide to them, we will be fighting a losing battle expecting school boys and girls not to organize a party at any residence, where the menu is alcohol and sex, served as starter, main course and desert or whatever order the party goers so wished.

My son since birth has lived in Libala stage III area right opposite Katungu shopping area and I really fear what perception of reality is sinking into his brain. There are far too many drinking places there and they all drink outside the bars. If it is not law, someone needs to legislate that all night clubs and bars must keep patrons inside the bar. Adults of legal age must be allowed inside these joints while activities that take place there must be kept inside and not outside for everyone’s eyes.

As a matter of fact I wouldn't careless less if there were a million drinking spots or even worse brothels at every corner of each neighborhood as long as the activities there are not exposed outside the confines of those premises. Obviously mine is a school of thought many bar owners do not subscribe to. Especially that most people who operate alcohol businesses do not subscribe to the concept of societal marketing. As long as they make profit, they don’t care what happens to those communities where their money comes from.

Not only do our children see drinking and all kinds of unsocial behavior taking place right in their neighborhoods, they are exposed to alcohol advertisements every day. Alcohol advertising is totally uncontrolled in Zambia and many African countries.

Some countries, such as France, Norway, Ukraine, Russia,India, Sri Lanka and many others have banned all alcohol advertising on television and billboard. The sponsorship of sporting events and sportspeople is banned in many countries. For example, the primary club competition in European rugby union, the Heineken cup, is called the H Cup in France because of that country's restrictions on alcohol advertising. For those who are fervent football followers, they will note that advertising boards for UEFA champions’ league games held in some countries only read 'RESPECT', as that replaces Heineken ads and or betting ads etc.

We need such laws to arrest teen alcohol abuse that certainly breeds the emergence of sex parties. Once this is done, pupils will not find it that easy to just organize a sex party or lock themselves in a dormitory and engage in unrestrained sexual intercourse- free for all sex I must mention.