Monster in law, Bother in law & Sorry in law …

The recent events surrounding the famous Knowles-Carter Celebrity family have prompted me to discuss the issue of in-law relations. Difficulty subject definitely, but I’ll discuss it in the context of the events in that Standard Hotel elevator after the met gala ball.

Hip-hop and business mogul Jay-Z, real name Shaun Carter was recently attacked in an elevator by Solanje Knowles, the young sister to his wife Beyonce. A video from the hotel’s lifts that was leaked to US celebrity website TMZ, shows Solanje kicking and punching her brother-in-law while Beyonce stands seemingly disinterested. Even though the video which has been widely circulated on the internet has no audio, one can conclude that Solanje’s attack was expletive laden too. A bodyguard is seen trying to restrain Solanje but she pulls away and continues the attack on her brother-in-law.

Why Beyonce stands there with an apathetic or unconcerned reaction as her sister physically attacks her husband really bothers me. In addition, Beyonce is then pictured leaving with her sister in the same car while Jay-Z in a separate car. Hardly two days after the incidence, Beyonce shared a series of pictures of herself and the sister on her instagram account. Some of the pictures were from their childhood while others were from recent events like when they performed at a concert together. That in my eyes was an endorsement of the sister’s despicable actions. However, a few days later the family released a statement in which both Solanje and Jay-Z claimed they had resolved their differences and were a united family who just had a fight like every family does.

Nothing attracts attention and speculation like a celebrity family fight in a public place, especially a notoriously secretive family like the Carters. Jay-Z and Beyonce are perhaps the most notoriously secretive celebrity couple today. The couple had dated for close to eight years before they married but almost always denied they were a couple even when it seemed obvious to the whole world.

So as speculation of what might have led to the elevator attack became rife and plenty, I looked at two versions and even though they seemed like the worst case scenarios, that did not permit Solanje’s attack. The first rumour was that Solanje was cross with Jay because while he is a mogul who has lifted the careers of many, he seemed disinterested in her career. After a few drinks at the met gala party, Jay-Z mentioned he was going to attend Rihanna’s party that night and as Beyonce said she wasn’t attending, he mentioned he would go alone. This according to the speculation is what infuriated Solanje.

Another version is that Rachael Roy, a former wife of Jay’s former business partner Damon Dash, had been seen too close to Jay to an extent that two of Solanje’s friends who had been heard claiming they were there at the invitation of Jay-Z were bellowed by the rapper for pretending to be his guests after Rachel Roy brought this fact to the Hard Knock life hit maker. According to this version of speculation, Rachael Roy’s relationship with Jay has not been the most fancied friendship in the eyes of the Knowles sisters.

And the award goes to...Solanje!

The sister in law (sorry in law)

Whatever sin Jay-Z might have committed, I do not believe a sister-in-law has any right to attack her sister’s husband. It is my long held belief that when a problem stems up in any relationship, no third party should take a side least of all the side of a relative. In addition, it is the duty of a spouse to shield a partner from the scrutiny, attacks and ridicule of family.

When a spouse or partner does not do this for the other half, a pandora’s box of problems is opened. These are problems that are certain to make the ‘in-law relationship’ never a good one. African marriage counselors even advise couples not to confide their relationship problems to their families but instead to the families of their spouse. This is so in order to avoid a situation where the weaknesses and mistakes of one are constantly exposed to in-laws.

In most relationships, the sister-in-law many a time over steps her boundary in trying to protect the interests of her sister or brother when in her eyes their partner is seen to be leading her sibling in the wrong direction. In the case of Solanje’s attack on Jay-Z, notwithstanding the many speculated reasons as motive for the attack, the best she could have done is confide in her sister that she didn’t approve of the brother-in-law’s association with Rachael Roy, Rihana or whatever the real reason was and nothing more.

Even though latest speculation suggests that Jay-Z has been two-timing his wife with a New York hostess named Casey Cohen, who he reportedly sees at least twice a month, Solanje’s attack on the brother-in-law is still inexcusable. Without overly blaming Solanje, Beyonce’s nonchalant response is not one I'd have taken lightly when put in the shoes of Jay-Z. A wife should at all times protect her husband from the scrutiny and ridicule of siblings and then if need be, berate the husband in private. 

As a wife, or even as a husband, one's first allegiance is to the spouse. No matter how heavy a bond one may have shared with his/her siblings in the past. You recognize that you and your spouse are a couple, made into one entity by the marriage vows. By promising to love and honor one another, you have created your own family which must now come first. You are now a team, which must work as one, get hurt as one. This doesn't mean that one must throw out his/her family, but protecting the spouse creates a more unified new happy family.

The sister-in-law has also been known to cause trouble by engaging in sexual relations with the brother-in-law behind the sister's back. Many marriages have broken down once a sister became too familiar with her brother-in-law. If it gets to this level, you have yourself a sorry-in-law and not sister-in-law.

The brother in law (Bother in law)

While the sister-in-law may be a problem for either a brother-in-law or a sister-in-law, the brother-in-law (bother-in-law) is usually a problem to his brother-in-law - the husband to his sister. There are many stories where the brother-in-law has been known to physically attack his sister's husband. However, the brother-in-law is rarely found meddling in the affairs of his sister unless in situations where there is really a guilty party or he perceives it as such. However, that is no excuse for him to meddle in the affairs of his sister.

As is usually the case, the brother-in-law who is over protective of his sister is one usually who himself is guilty of the crimes he is charging the brother-in-law-with. Most times he will get on a moral high horse and gallop off into the self-righteous distance, burying his indulgences in the sand only to return with a barrage of cases against the brother in law and convicting him guiltily.

As is the case with the sister-in-law, even in the relationship between brothers-in-law, the key is for the third party to stay away and let the sister exist in that relationship without the due interference of a third party. I personally believe that the most healthy brother-in-law relationship is achieved when they treat each other as friends. The friendlier they become the better they will understand each other and be able to develop mutual respect towards each other.

I can attest to the fact that when brothers-in-law treat each other as friends, a very healthy relationship ensues. Recently one of my wife’s cousins confessed that he was amazed at the kind of relationship my wife’s immediate elder brother and I share. His amazement stemmed at the fact that I had been in my brother-in-law’s company at local holsters on a few times and we would relax while discussing various topics including very personal problems within our homes and how we overcome them.

In as much as the gentleman was amazed at this extra ordinary friendship between brothers-in-law, he admitted the fact that the key to such a relationship was mutual respect.

The mother in law (Monster in law)

Relationships with mothers-in-law are many a time said to be pretty complicated. Most of the times, the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law live a real drama, plunging into an obscure universe of fears, intolerance and, in some cases, intrigues or hatred. She thinks she’s well-meaning, and the son's wife thinks she’s down right annoying. The proverbial mother-in-law / daughter-in-law conflict appears as an eternal tragedy.

There isn't a rule, that a mother-in-law and daughter- in-law relationship should be conflict laden, but, in most cases, the relationship is not a friendly one. The relationship is further strained if the two (mother-in-law and daughter-in-law) live under the same roof.

In as much as mothers-in-law are rarely a problem for the husbands of their daughters, there are isolated cases where such relations are strained. I know of a gentleman who has had to exchange harsh words with his wife's mother a couple of times until one day he barred her from visiting his home.

However conflict between a mother-in-law and her daughter's husband is far between, while the age old battle between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law rages on. One theory that has been floated around and has been given credence by German psychologists is 'the female complex theory'. The psychologists have issued a hypothesis according to which accentuated feminine complexes, both of the mother-in-law and the daughter-in–law, would greatly contribute to the generation of conflict.

Thus, in the space controlled by a mother-in-law, she will have a more powerful perception of her own complexes, due to a younger female presence. As a result, the psychic tension of the mother-in-law grows, whether she recognizes this or not. In this situation, mother-in-law shows a hostile attitude. Often, the daughter-in-law reacts with reciprocated appropriate behavior, which is the premise of a real conflict.

Another common theory is 'the beloved son that has been kidnapped by the daughter-in-law', which declares that; Like any woman, a mother defends her child from any intruders. Thus, unconsciously, some mothers-in-law may adopt a hostile attitude that leads to conflict.

There are a lot of theories that many psychologists and social scientists have come up with. However I truly believe that while many of these theories may have some aorta of truth, a big percentage of these conflicts arise as a result of stereotypical perceptions long harbored in our minds.

Sofas for in-laws? 

My views... my thoughts...

What stereotypical perceptions am I talking of? Because we know of an in-law relationship that wasn't exactly a great one then we expect to also have a strained relationship with our in-law! It is such stereotype perceptions that we all need to move away from so that we are as open minded as possible when it comes to in-law relations. 

I’ve never been a true fan of change.  It’s never been my thing.  Why?  I hate change that comes as a result of a reaction to society's perceived wrongs. I believe true change is only achieved at individual level by reacting to personal situations and giving personal thought to one's circumstances. Too many folks want to believe that a mother-in-law will be a monster, the brother-in-law a bother and so on. I do not share this perception. This is the perception many folks out there must change.

My point is that if you go into marriage expecting constrained in-law relations, that is exactly what you will get. You will react negatively to any little actions you will perceive as provocative even when it may be an honest joke. Most people that get into relationships with a pre-conceived thought that the in-laws will be trouble usually find what they are looking for -trouble. The fact remains that in life, whatever decision one makes it is going to upset another and that includes an in-law. Now if in one's mind they were expecting strained in-law relations, the very first time opinions are divided over an issue there will only be one outcome-trouble.

That is life. There are so many valid issues one can chew oneself over, so no need to make in-law relations one of them. Save the angst for other issues. Instead one must open their mind up and be expectant of the best in-law relations as they are one's newest family members. If you get into a relationship with an open mind you will enjoy your in-law relations.

I am the most open minded person when it comes to in-law relations thus I have enjoyed such relations for the last 18 months that I have been married. I do not want to portray rosy in-law relations, but my wife and I have appreciated open-mindedness and not letting popular perceptions without any recourse to personal judgment to become our own personal perceptions.

I am not one that picks up a phone every day to call my mother, but so many times my wife will do this and only inform me that mum was passing her regards. My mother also reciprocates by calling my wife so many times too. At least they are open minded and willing to enjoy their in-law relations and thus far have done nothing but enjoy this relationship. They are like mother and daughter and that is how it should be.

I have mentioned the cordial relationship I share with my brothers-in-law; I must also mention that I greatly enjoy my relationship with my mother-in-law too. She is like my own mother. In fact another of my wife's cousins who visited us at our humble abode in Lusaka having traveled from Glasgow Scotland mentioned she was surprised my mother-in-law and I, were eating from the same dining table.

Of course this was a light moment from her, as she later went on about how in-laws in her new home where she has spent close to 17years address each other on a first name basis. Had this been coming from a Sengahill or maybe a Mishulundu village in Kalabo dweller, I wouldn't be far from the truth if I said; it could have been representative of the general approach to in-law relation by most Africans. Generally Africans build brick walls in their relations with in-laws.

It is this brick wall I am really against. For this reason I reiterate the need for change in attitude in this regard. Changes that will see people look forward to seeing their mother-in-laws as their own mothers and enjoy life together as one family.

If some misunderstanding creeps into the family, there is no need to dodge or shelve it. Instead, bite the bullet and talk things over and move on as one family. There is no denying that this can never be an easy undertaking as things can be very tense under normal circumstances, but they can only be made better when treating each other as one family.

Having called for open minded relations between in-laws, the golden rule of non-interference by a third party in any relationship still remains the number one rule in order to maintain healthy in-law relations. Life isn't always black-and-white; there's a lot of room for gray between the lines. There is no reason for anyone outside of a marriage 'union between two people to the exclusion of all others' (as marriage is defined by the civic marriage registrar) to try and play umpire in the name of protecting a sister, son, brother daughter or whoever.

Such actions only create monsters, bothers or sorry in law, sadly Solanje has gone down as a sorry in law.