Diary of a fatherless son!

1^st January:

Another year starts today. For me it promises nothing but the same pattern like the last. The passing of time each hour, each day and each month will not bring back my father. I do not know if the man that brought me to earth is dead or alive. Nobody wants to say. I’ve heard that he’s dead, but I don’t remember ever attending his funeral. He just disappeared from thin air one day.

There were times when I spent my days with him but one day he just wasn’t there. I hope in my heart he is alive. This is how I start my year; longing to see my father whom I am not sure if he is still alive or not.

1^st April:

Today was open day at school and all my friends’ parents came. My father did not show up, maybe he is really dead. Neither did my mother show up. Well, my grandmother was there for me too. If my father was alive, would he have an idea what grade I am in today? Does he know I was 1^st in my class? I’ve heard people say I take after him, but if he was a smart guy as people say, would he have allowed himself to just disappear on me? Maybe he is really dead.

If by any ounce of chance he was alive, will he ever try to make contact with me? If our roles were reversed and I was the parent, I’d look for him every day and I’d never tire. Maybe I am just blowing my horn, but in reality I would never know the longing my son would have of me unless if of course I experienced life on the other side – as the son. It could be that he can’t really hanker for his son because he has to have been a son without a father for him to understand how his son yearns to have him in his life.

1^st July:

Dear Dad,

Today I just woke up with a high level of belief that you are not dead. I woke up more assured and very expectant that you will show up. I saw myself sitting at a dinner table with you. Maybe you are not dead after all. As it turned out, I overheard grandpa talking about ‘letting him know his father is around’, ‘his father had tried to come and see him’! Was that me he was talking of?

I believe it was me. But if you are around, where have you been all this long? If you tried to see me, why did it not happen? Is it that you don’t think I am alive? Or maybe you just don’t try hard enough to find me? You brought me to this earth and knew exactly where you left me so I believe it wouldn’t be that hard to find me.

1^st October:

Three quarters of the year has passed by but my hope to one day see my father has not been distinguished. I will one day meet him and look him in the eyes. However, I do not know what that meeting would bring out. Would it be a happy reunion of father and son? Maybe such reunions only occur in the proverbial land of happily ever after. Or, it would be about opening old wounds? There should definitely be wounds that were created for him to just disappear from my life.

My belief though remains that it would be a happy meeting, as I doubt whatever wounds created were because of me. I know I could never have forced my parents to be together as that is their choice, but to be separated forever from one of them is a depravity of a high degree. All I ever ask for is to have the opportunity to take a walk to the shop with my father as all children do. I would have a story to tell at school how my father and I had ice-cream together while I told him stories of all my school friends and teachers.

31^st December:

Dear diary, 

All throughout the year, I have shared my inner most feelings with you. I have shared my fears with you. I have shared the best moments with you. Why is it that I couldn’t share with you, the day I met my dad again? Is there a miracle about to happen on this last day? Then again, if my Dad showed up today, would I be happy to see him? Maybe I would, maybe he would just bring more sadness to a closed chapter. But I refuse to close the chapter. My father is alive. And because he is alive I will one day have the opportunity to meet him.

I would love to get to know him all over again. I bet he looks just like me. Dear diary, I know some of the pages in your willing space I filled them full of tears. But today I have none. I want to be strong, I will not cry. In fact I wish my daddy a happy new year. In the New Year, my main resolution is that people realize how unhappy I am so that someone can help me reunite with my father.

‘Somebody… anybody…’