The wishes of a single mother

She was awakened by the sound of the alarm clock buzzer. She then stretched her hand reaching the bedside table where she had placed the clock a few hours earlier and immediately turned it off. She had set the alarm to sound at 11am when she returned home at 6.30am from her night shift.

This Monday morning though, she would not have the luxury of a full 8 hours’ sleep. She was supposed to be the one picking her son from school today. She had done this at least once every year. Being a single mother, she let her son live with her parents as her parents believed they offered a much better environment for the growth of the child.

Five years earlier when she had just moved out of her parents’ house and moved to the nurses’ flats in the clinic compound, her mother had expressed concern when the child then only aged 5 had told them that his mother had introduced him to three uncles who came to her flat on different nights. He had mentioned Uncle Sheikh, Uncle Ibrahim and Uncle Horace. The grand parents were further incensed when the toddler had mentioned that his mother had even asked him to call the three ‘uncles’ as ‘daddy’.

The grand parents had then asked that the toddler moves back with them where he had lived since he was born. With her son back at her parents’ house, she was just asked to find time for her son at least on his birthday. She saw him once in a while at her parents’ house but on this one particular day she always picked him to go to her flat. The day was always - his birthday. She would usually throw a small party where all the children at the nurses’ flats complex would be invited.

In the five years that followed since she moved to her own flat, she dated a countless number of guys all of which nothing concrete materialized. In the end she gave up on guys. “All men are dogs,” she would say. For a period of time she stopped dating and got on her life declaring herself as an independent woman. She was heard regularly playing Destiny Child’s song independent women the soundtrack to the movie Charlie’s angels.

She would truly live up to her new found independence as she was regularly seen in clubs with her girls having fun. They didn’t need a man to have fun. She had purchased a state of the art Mini Cooper auto mobile which she always kept immaculately clean. When she went to report for duty she would disembark from her Germany made British car exuding great confidence. Her confidence resonated with her personality and she was once more the lovable person everyone wanted to be close to. She was totally different from the bitch with an attitude she once was when she jumped from one failed relationship to the other.

So on this Bright sunny but chilly Monday morning, she quickly had a shower and as she walked back to her bedroom she remembered that her son’s birthday party would not be held at the nurses’ quarters this year but at her parent’s place. A thought quickly rushed through her mind – ‘maybe the boy needs a father figure’. ‘No way, Fuck it’ the thought was quickly overruled by other thoughts.

She remembered how she had been in love with the boy’s father. They were really inseparable for the better part of the first year that they met. Things quickly unfolded for the worst as soon as she had gotten pregnant and given birth. She also remembered that he had been a fool that prowled on her naivety as a young girl. He was only ever interested in having sex with her. She could count on the fingers of one hand the number of times they ever just went at the cinema to watch a movie together. They spent most of their time at his flat having sex. “He’s such a loser!” she loudly exclaimed. She immediately felt stupid for talking to herself loudly and letting her thoughts wander back through her past. Then she realized she needed to prepare quickly in order to be ready in time to collect her son from school.

When she was done with all her preparations, she realized she still had half an hour to spare so she sat down and pulled out her old diary. She opened a particular page and started to read what she had written down three year earlier.

God there are a lot of people I could blame for my situation; the government for not creating enough opportunities for youths, my friends for introducing me to the life of alcohol and parties, my first boyfriend for making me a mother at a very young age… the list is endless. But there is no need in blaming everyone else but myself, because I bear the biggest responsibility for what has happened to me.

I had been a regular girl who up until the time I completed secondary school, had never known what dating was all about. I made sure my energies were directed only towards my studies. For the first three months after completing my secondary school, I devoted my time to visiting friends and when I was home I read a lot of Novels. But the Secondary school examination results back then would only be available after six months so that meant at the very minimum having a six month gap period before deciding on the next course of action. In fact most school leavers would take a full gap year which in essence was 14 months since secondary school examinations are completed around November.

After three months, I had visited most of my friends and most had visited me too. Then, I met a very attractive young man. He was in his early 20’s and I was an 18 year old school leaver taking a gap year. I had never dated before so technically he became my first boyfriend. The early days were really wonderful times. He always held me in his protective hands. He was such a good kisser I remember. Nothing on earth felt as perfect as going to his flat and falling asleep on his side on the couch or lying naked in his bed. 

BUT…life is about growth and change.  After we dated for about a year, I started to feel like he was just clangoring on my naivety. Our relationship was physical and nothing more. We went into a roller-coaster routine of sex all day every Saturday and Sunday. I was looking for more. This was my first boyfriend so I needed to flaunt him to my friend, I needed to take a walk with him at the mall and go out clubbing with him. This happened very rarely.

He didn’t talk much also so if I really wanted a conversation with him it had to be in between sessions of sex. And the routine continued without us embarking on any major new activities. My soul started to yearn for new frontiers and new horizons and this is how I discovered alcohol. When I started to drink alcohol, I quickly substituted the need to spend time with him, for the drink. For a while I had fun until I grew out of it. By then I realized I had already become pregnant. At first I was very upset and I thought this was the greatest mistake I had ever made especially after he broke up with me.

The time after that break up is the worst period of my life. I have never really come to terms with what my life became. I quickly went back to drinking and in between I dated a lot of losers. Yes God most of these men were but just losers. How could I describe guys that preach to love you but show you through actions that they don’t feel it? They cheat with everyone else and even propose love to your very close friends. In the mean time they come back to you and again claim to love you but as time wanes by they don’t nurture that love.

I walked out of every relationship as soon as I saw that the guys didn’t know what love is. Love isn’t calling you a bitch or a hoe at every point you have differences. Love is not being violent to stress your point. And certainly love doesn’t get you pregnant and then leave you. However love is giving your friend a reason to smile in times of adversity. It is a smile in times of loneliness knowing that another human being can care for you and make you feel loved.

So my God today I want to leave everything in your hands. Grant me a man if you really feel I need one. If I don’t need any, please take away the loneliness and let me just serve you. If you have a man for me at your right time, I will await your right time. Let your will be done and not my wishes God. You know what my wishes are and I trust that you will deliver your promise.

All mothers have wishes, but mine are not just for me but my son as well. I wish for my son to grow into a perfect gentleman and not the kind of men I have met in my life. There aren’t that many steadfast men. My wish for my son is that he becomes a dependable, loyal, faithful and trustworthy man. I wish for him to make a girl happy one day. God, how that would make me proud!

I also wish that he can one day make peace with the absence of his father in his life. I know this issue about his father eats at the very core of his soul every day. I hope he doesn’t hold this against me. His father was a man not ready to be a father. He was unprepared for that kind of responsibility. I wasn't prepared to shelter an unprepared parent. My son was not a mistake but a product of love brought to earth to be loved.

My greatest wish is that I learn to love myself more. That I stop looking for love in other things like alcohol or staying in relationships that promise love but deliver hurt which leads to hate. I believe I deserve the best and will only get love from a deserving person worthy of my love. I don’t want a man to complete me; I want a man to just compliment me instead. For my son I make this promise today that I will work hard for him, I will not need a man to define how my life becomes. My son completes me and if my wishes can be granted, then one day I will get a man to compliment me.